Thursday, October 25, 2007

Melodrama on prime-time

I met a good friend for lunch last week and as he filled me in on the events of his soon-to-be-very exciting life, I found myself revolving in a self-destructive pit of envy and annoyance. Envy because this sort of good luck never seems to befall on me. Annoyance because some are destined to be showered with good karma without much effort.

I thought about this long and hard soon after we parted. The good thing is that the envy I felt was not towards my dear friend. In fact, I am genuinely happy for him and wish him the best that life has to offer. Cross my heart.

It is a sucky feeling, however, to watch this melodrama of successful friends and acquaintance flash by - as if God had a teaspoon of favouritism in his coffee this morning. It's like going for a D&D and watching everyone at your table going up to collect a lucky draw prize while you sit back and clap. The ironic thing is that I feel like I am the one who's in this imaginary plasma TV, stuck behind the glass, being controlled by the Hand that holds the remote.

Yes, it feels good to walk on water and be led by someone other than your own selfish instinct sometimes. Yes, I sing about offering my life to Him and letting it be. And yes, I appreciate all the good things that has happened to me so far. But you know, sometimes, it's just missing the point. After all that's said and done, am I not entitled to a little earthly reward? Am I destined to just watch as others bask in the fruits of their labour? Even dogs have crumbs to eat, for goodness sake.

Maybe, just maybe, despite all my grumbling and griping, I settle too easily. My head tells me to take matters into my own hands and pave my own future. My heart tells me to let Him lead and simply follow. Even as I write this, I kick myself for sounding like a hypocrite but I know what's going to happen. Eventually, I'm going to give a shrug, raise my arms in submission and shut up. I hate it that He's always right. Ggrrhh.

I don't usually like to post song lyrics because it's like so unoriginal. But today, my ipod was on shuffle mode and when this song played, as much as I'd like to be stubborn about things, it put into words a tune which my heart sings and my head loathes...

"Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger's fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round
Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say,

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time."

Everything in its time - Corrinne May

Posted by Jo at 9:26 PM